Sometimes I don't even know where to begin.
Am I living in a nightmare? Will I wake up tomorrow and everything will be better?
I know everything happens for a reason, but what the hell is the reason for this!?!
I had a terrible feeling things weren't working, and that came to reality yesterday.
This latest chemo treatment Jer has been going through has been unsuccessful again. His counts are the highest they've ever been. Damn near 200,000!!!!!!!!!! UGH.
Sometimes I don't even know what to feel, or think, or do, or anything. Trying to stay optimistic has been harder than ever.
I would do anything to have to deal with all the petty normal crap in our relationship. That in itself is enough. But this. This is just unfair. Three years is far long enough. But I don't know when this will end, or if it ever will.
Prayer angels, I need you.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Cherish Every Moment
Been a busy week. Well not so much at work, but everything I do outside of work. Last week was also a very sad week in the town of McHenry. A high school friend lost their 5 week old son, to an unknown cause. They were at Meijer and he started coughing up blood, he spent 5 days at Children's in the city hooked up to ventilators and numerous other machines. As they were changing over the ventilators because he was showing progress, God gave him his wings.
Such a terrible thing and I can't even imagine what that family is going through. But it was amazing to see our community come together and show so much support. There was a fundraiser on Saturday that raised over 35K for the family for medical and funeral expenses. It definitely was a reminder to cherish every second you have with your loved ones because you really just never know.
So far I've been sticking to my goals and really focusing. Had a slip up this weekend at the Prevail holiday party and I'm paying for it. Gained some major water weight, but with some discipline I'll be back where I was. Trying my best to stick with the motto in this picture.
Such a terrible thing and I can't even imagine what that family is going through. But it was amazing to see our community come together and show so much support. There was a fundraiser on Saturday that raised over 35K for the family for medical and funeral expenses. It definitely was a reminder to cherish every second you have with your loved ones because you really just never know.
So far I've been sticking to my goals and really focusing. Had a slip up this weekend at the Prevail holiday party and I'm paying for it. Gained some major water weight, but with some discipline I'll be back where I was. Trying my best to stick with the motto in this picture.
Friday, January 4, 2013
What's the plan?
I guess my first goal of 2013 has changed to get over this damn sinus infection. It's been almost a week and a half, and I probably could have easily been over this by going to the doctor and getting some antibiotics. Too bad I'm stubborn and hate how they just ruin all the good stuff in your system. If it's not gone tomorrow, I'm caving and going to the doctor. blah.
So my major goals of 2013 of getting into a nursing program and leaving this cubicle. Applications are due by February 5th. Nothing is changing with what I'm turning in, since I can't retake the entrance exam due to a 6 month time period between tests. So I'm reapplying with my 92. Fingers crossed that does the trick this time! I should find out by mid to late March, if I'm accepted into the program. If so, I would start in August. This program would cost me about $8k
If not, I'll be taking a different exam for the other program I'm looking at. Along with some other exams to hopefully test out of some unnecessary classes. If I end up having to go this route, I would start in May. Only downfall is this route costs $22k. That's just to get an LPN, to bridge to RN would be an additional $22k. But I would be able to make more money as an LPN while bridging over.
So my current and well continuous debate is when do I quit this job and try to get a tech job at a hospital? What's the hold up? Well, the type of stress I want to deal with... Do I want to stick with my current job for another 4.5-6.5 months (depending on which program) and save up $20-30k? Or do I just take a major pay cut and go for a hospital job? So do I deal with the same stress I've been living in for the last two years or do I change it to a different stress of making less money and being worried about paying for bills and tuition?
Right now, unfortunately, my instinct is to stay where I'm at and save up money. If I stay here and have to go to the second program, I could basically pay for the tuition out of my pocket. If I stay here and get into the first program, I'll still have more money and feel more comfortable about paying for bills with that added money. As much as it sucks and I hate it here, I guess I would rather deal with this stress for the time being, instead of adding another 1/2 year to the 2 years I'll already have with the pay cut.
I believe everything will work out in the end. There was a reason why I didn't get into the program to start in 20 days. I don't know what that is and I may never know, but there is a reason. There's a reason for everything and I know with my hard work and determination I will get there one day. Just taking a little longer than planned...which goes to one of my resolutions of accepting when things don't go as planned. SO hard, but working on it...
So my major goals of 2013 of getting into a nursing program and leaving this cubicle. Applications are due by February 5th. Nothing is changing with what I'm turning in, since I can't retake the entrance exam due to a 6 month time period between tests. So I'm reapplying with my 92. Fingers crossed that does the trick this time! I should find out by mid to late March, if I'm accepted into the program. If so, I would start in August. This program would cost me about $8k
If not, I'll be taking a different exam for the other program I'm looking at. Along with some other exams to hopefully test out of some unnecessary classes. If I end up having to go this route, I would start in May. Only downfall is this route costs $22k. That's just to get an LPN, to bridge to RN would be an additional $22k. But I would be able to make more money as an LPN while bridging over.
So my current and well continuous debate is when do I quit this job and try to get a tech job at a hospital? What's the hold up? Well, the type of stress I want to deal with... Do I want to stick with my current job for another 4.5-6.5 months (depending on which program) and save up $20-30k? Or do I just take a major pay cut and go for a hospital job? So do I deal with the same stress I've been living in for the last two years or do I change it to a different stress of making less money and being worried about paying for bills and tuition?
Right now, unfortunately, my instinct is to stay where I'm at and save up money. If I stay here and have to go to the second program, I could basically pay for the tuition out of my pocket. If I stay here and get into the first program, I'll still have more money and feel more comfortable about paying for bills with that added money. As much as it sucks and I hate it here, I guess I would rather deal with this stress for the time being, instead of adding another 1/2 year to the 2 years I'll already have with the pay cut.
I believe everything will work out in the end. There was a reason why I didn't get into the program to start in 20 days. I don't know what that is and I may never know, but there is a reason. There's a reason for everything and I know with my hard work and determination I will get there one day. Just taking a little longer than planned...which goes to one of my resolutions of accepting when things don't go as planned. SO hard, but working on it...
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year!?!?
Oh hey blog, it's been awhile....so long that it's a new year! Welcome to 2013. That still sounds so weird to me. Anyway as any new year typically starts I've come up with some goals. Goals for the gym and for my life outside of the gym. Here we go:
CrossFit Goals:
(some of these are kind of general and I'm coming up with ways to make them more measureable)
1. More efficient at body weight movements.
Short term Long Term
15 Kipping Pull-ups 3 Dead Hang Pull-Ups
RX HSPU in Wods Hand Stand Walk
RX Ring Dips in Wods Muscle up (this is a far stretch.....)
2. Improve lifts:
Snatch 145#
C&J 155# ( I know this is super close to my snatch, but it's a major struggle for me, gotta squat)
Back Squat 215#
Front Squat 185#
Jerk technique - practice foot drills
4. Do more mobility research for myself and the Prevail members
5. Do at least one team competition
6. Practice skill work at least 3x/week
7. One rowing/running wod/week
8. Be Patient
My squats have been a major struggle for me over the last year. My confidence under that kind of weight has disappeared and makes my form/technique disappear too. So being patient and really gaining confidence under the bar will definitely help me with my squats which will improve my C&J. I really like the training I've been doing the last few months, so I'm excited to see where it will take me.
Personal Goals for 2013:
1. Get into nursing school!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Get a job at a hospital and out of this hell of a cubicle.
3. Be less controlling.
4. Be more accepting when things don't go as planned.
5. See Jonas at least 3 times.
6. Make dinner at least once a week, as well as help mom on Sunday's.
7. Eat clean paleo and save alcohol/cheats for special ocassions.
8. Have date nights at least 3x/month.
9. Be more spontaneous.
10. Do some volunteer work.
Both these lists may look a little ambitious to some, but I think with the right mindset and staying focused they are highly attainable. My absolute main concern the beginning of this year is getting into a nursing program and getting a CNA/Tech job. Since I didn't get into the program to start in a couple weeks (they stopped accepting at a test score of 95 and I got a 92, UGH!), I will either start in August or May. The August start would be ideal money wise, but the May start, which is a different program would work too. I'm just eager to get started and away from this cubicle! Many prayers and positive thoughts flowing for this!
I'm hoping this year will bring a lot of good news in many areas of my life. Obviously with school, but also with Jer's health. And I'm also excited to see so many people in my life get married as well as partake in one of my best friend's special day.
I hope 2013 brings all of you the best!
CrossFit Goals:
(some of these are kind of general and I'm coming up with ways to make them more measureable)
1. More efficient at body weight movements.
Short term Long Term
15 Kipping Pull-ups 3 Dead Hang Pull-Ups
RX HSPU in Wods Hand Stand Walk
RX Ring Dips in Wods Muscle up (this is a far stretch.....)
2. Improve lifts:
Snatch 145#
C&J 155# ( I know this is super close to my snatch, but it's a major struggle for me, gotta squat)
Back Squat 215#
Front Squat 185#
Jerk technique - practice foot drills
4. Do more mobility research for myself and the Prevail members
5. Do at least one team competition
6. Practice skill work at least 3x/week
7. One rowing/running wod/week
8. Be Patient
My squats have been a major struggle for me over the last year. My confidence under that kind of weight has disappeared and makes my form/technique disappear too. So being patient and really gaining confidence under the bar will definitely help me with my squats which will improve my C&J. I really like the training I've been doing the last few months, so I'm excited to see where it will take me.
Personal Goals for 2013:
1. Get into nursing school!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Get a job at a hospital and out of this hell of a cubicle.
3. Be less controlling.
4. Be more accepting when things don't go as planned.
5. See Jonas at least 3 times.
6. Make dinner at least once a week, as well as help mom on Sunday's.
7. Eat clean paleo and save alcohol/cheats for special ocassions.
8. Have date nights at least 3x/month.
9. Be more spontaneous.
10. Do some volunteer work.
Both these lists may look a little ambitious to some, but I think with the right mindset and staying focused they are highly attainable. My absolute main concern the beginning of this year is getting into a nursing program and getting a CNA/Tech job. Since I didn't get into the program to start in a couple weeks (they stopped accepting at a test score of 95 and I got a 92, UGH!), I will either start in August or May. The August start would be ideal money wise, but the May start, which is a different program would work too. I'm just eager to get started and away from this cubicle! Many prayers and positive thoughts flowing for this!
I'm hoping this year will bring a lot of good news in many areas of my life. Obviously with school, but also with Jer's health. And I'm also excited to see so many people in my life get married as well as partake in one of my best friend's special day.
I hope 2013 brings all of you the best!
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