Is this a nightmare?

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin.

Am I living in a nightmare? Will I wake up tomorrow and everything will be better?

I know everything happens for a reason, but what the hell is the reason for this!?!

I had a terrible feeling things weren't working, and that came to reality yesterday.

This latest chemo treatment Jer has been going through has been unsuccessful again. His counts are the highest they've ever been. Damn near 200,000!!!!!!!!!! UGH.

Sometimes I don't even know what to feel, or think, or do, or anything. Trying to stay optimistic has been harder than ever.

I would do anything to have to deal with all the petty normal crap in our relationship. That in itself is enough. But this. This is just unfair. Three years is far long enough. But I don't know when this will end, or if it ever will.

Prayer angels, I need you.

Cherish Every Moment

Been a busy week. Well not so much at work, but everything I do outside of work. Last week was also a very sad week in the town of McHenry. A high school friend lost their 5 week old son, to an unknown cause. They were at Meijer and he started coughing up blood, he spent 5 days at Children's in the city hooked up to ventilators and numerous other machines. As they were changing over the ventilators because he was showing progress, God gave him his wings.

Such a terrible thing and I can't even imagine what that family is going through. But it was amazing to see our community come together and show so much support. There was a fundraiser on Saturday that raised over 35K for the family for medical and funeral expenses. It definitely was a reminder to cherish every second you have with your loved ones because you really just never know.


So far I've been sticking to my goals and really focusing. Had a slip up this weekend at the Prevail holiday party and I'm paying for it. Gained some major water weight, but with some discipline I'll be back where I was. Trying my best to stick with the motto in this picture.

What's the plan?

I guess my first goal of 2013 has changed to get over this damn sinus infection. It's been almost a week and a half, and I probably could have easily been over this by going to the doctor and getting some antibiotics. Too bad I'm stubborn and hate how they just ruin all the good stuff in your system.  If it's not gone tomorrow, I'm caving and going to the doctor. blah.

So my major goals of 2013 of getting into a nursing program and leaving this cubicle. Applications are due by February 5th. Nothing is changing with what I'm turning in, since I can't retake the entrance exam due to a 6 month time period between tests.  So I'm reapplying with my 92. Fingers crossed that does the trick this time!  I should find out by mid to late March, if I'm accepted into the program. If so, I would start in August. This program would cost me about $8k

If not, I'll be taking a different exam for the other program I'm looking at.  Along with some other exams to hopefully test out of some unnecessary classes. If I end up having to go this route, I would start in May. Only downfall is this route costs $22k. That's just to get an LPN, to bridge to RN would be an additional $22k. But I would be able to make more money as an LPN while bridging over.

So my current and well continuous debate is when do I quit this job and try to get a tech job at a hospital? What's the hold up? Well, the type of stress I want to deal with... Do I want to stick with my current job for another 4.5-6.5 months (depending on which program) and save up $20-30k? Or do I just take a major pay cut and go for a hospital job? So do I deal with the same stress I've been living in for the last two years or do I change it to a different stress of making less money and being worried about paying for bills and tuition?

Right now, unfortunately, my instinct is to stay where I'm at and save up money. If I stay here and have to go to the second program, I could basically pay for the tuition out of my pocket. If I stay here and get into the first program, I'll still have more money and feel more comfortable about paying for bills with that added money. As much as it sucks and I hate it here, I guess I would rather deal with this stress for the time being, instead of adding another 1/2 year to the 2 years I'll already have with the pay cut.

I believe everything will work out in the end. There was a reason why I didn't get into the program to start in 20 days. I don't know what that is and I may never know, but there is a reason. There's a reason for everything and I know with my hard work and determination I will get there one day. Just taking a little longer than planned...which goes to one of my resolutions of accepting when things don't go as planned. SO hard, but working on it...

New Year!?!?

Oh hey blog, it's been awhile....so long that it's a new year! Welcome to 2013. That still sounds so weird to me. Anyway as any new year typically starts I've come up with some goals. Goals for the gym and for my life outside of the gym. Here we go:

CrossFit Goals:
(some of these are kind of general and I'm coming up with ways to make them more measureable)

1. More efficient at body weight movements.
        Short term                                                       Long Term
        15 Kipping Pull-ups                                        3 Dead Hang Pull-Ups
        RX HSPU in Wods                                         Hand Stand Walk
        RX Ring Dips in Wods                                   Muscle up (this is a far stretch.....)

2. Improve lifts:
        Snatch 145#
        C&J 155# ( I know this is super close to my snatch, but it's a major struggle for me, gotta   squat)
        Back Squat 215#
        Front Squat 185#
        Jerk technique - practice foot drills
4. Do more mobility research for myself and the Prevail members
5. Do at least one team competition
6. Practice skill work at least 3x/week
7. One rowing/running wod/week
8. Be Patient


My squats have been a major struggle for me over the last year. My confidence under that kind of weight has disappeared and makes my form/technique disappear too.  So being patient and really gaining confidence under the bar will definitely help me with my squats which will improve my C&J. I really like the training I've been doing the last few months, so I'm excited to see where it will take me.

Personal Goals for 2013:

1. Get into nursing school!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Get a job at a hospital and out of this hell of a cubicle.
3. Be less controlling.
4. Be more accepting when things don't go as planned.
5. See Jonas at least 3 times.
6. Make dinner at least once a week, as well as help mom on Sunday's.
7. Eat clean paleo and save alcohol/cheats for special ocassions.
8. Have date nights at least 3x/month.
9. Be more spontaneous.
10. Do some volunteer work.

Both these lists may look a little ambitious to some, but I think with the right mindset and staying focused they are highly attainable. My absolute main concern the beginning of this year is getting into a nursing program and getting a CNA/Tech job. Since I didn't get into the program to start in a couple weeks (they stopped accepting at a test score of 95 and I got a 92, UGH!), I will either start in August or May. The August start would be ideal money wise, but the May start, which is a different program would work too. I'm just eager to get started and away from this cubicle! Many prayers and positive thoughts flowing for this!

I'm hoping this year will bring a lot of good news in many areas of my life. Obviously with school, but also with Jer's health. And I'm also excited to see so many people in my life get married as well as partake in one of my best friend's special day.

I hope 2013 brings all of you the best!

Back at it

I'm not going to even bother talking about Tuesday's training. I was such a mess because my head was so focused on being devastated about school. Needless to say it was ugly and I only did half of what I was planning to do.

Thursday's Training:

BBG
1) Snatch: 2x2 @ 70%, 2x2 @ 80%, 2x1 @ 90%, 2x1 @ 95%, 4x1 @ 80%
     -rest 60-90 sec for the sets through 90%
     -rest 30 sec between reps for final set
     Based off 125#: 88, 100, 112, 118, 100
2a) 3x5 Snatch deadlift (stopping @ knees)
     -heavier than 1rm snatch (110%+), rest 60sec
     -135, 140, 140
2b) 3x5 BTN Snatch gril Push Press
      - heavy, rest 60sec
      - 85-95-100
The gym was crazy last night, there were quite a few people at the 4:30. And they were working on Hang Snatch, so I was helping people, people were walking in my bubble, then they were learning to rope climb etc. Needless to say it was pretty distracting. I had a few failed reps out front so I know I wasn't opening correctly. I actually couldn't stand a couple up from the bottom of the squat. Just had to tighten up and engage more.

Probably should've used my straps for the snatch deadlift and gone heavier. And could've gone heavier on the push press, but was afraid of the re-racking on my neck!

Skill
12:00 chest facing wall HS and HS walk practice

-Practiced both facing the wall and butt against the wall at first. Focused on a tight core and trying to transfer weight to each hand. SO much hard when facing the wall, but I can see some improvements. Then I practiced freestanding and just trying to kick up into it and hold it. So hard to find that happy medium.

Conditioning
For time:
30 T2B
20 KB Thrusters (24/16) - both arms
Row 1k
20 KB Thrusters - both arms
30 T2B
17:07

I knew this one would take me awhile. I'm very inefficient at T2B and kipping them. I think the first set, my biggest set was 5, then it was 3s 2s and 1s there on out. The KB thrusters were brutal, nothing like having heavy weight on your chest making it harder to breathe. My forearms are pretty bruised from getting the KBs up. The row was slow for sure. I'm out of shape on the rower, I think it was almost a 4:20 row, pathetic. I just closed my eyes and went for it.

Even though it wasn't the greatest, I felt good. I feel like I haven't been in the gym for weeks, so it was nice to get after it.

Devastating.

That's all I can really say. Found out I didn't get into the nursing program. So my light I've been seeing at the end of the tunnel isn't even close to being seen anymore. My countdown I had going, is now removed from my calendar.

When I got the 92 on that test I felt great and that I had nothing to worry about. Only to find out they cut the number of people they accept from 60 to 48. WTF is up with that? And then on top of that this semester is the most applicants they've ever had, and with great test scores. They stopped at 95!!! Ninety fucking five!!! ugh.

So that Plan B my counselor asked me about a few weeks ago. The Plan B I didn't want to accept...yeah, this sucks. Guess I'll be miserable at this job for another 8+ months, that's saying if I even get into the program for next fall. So much for starting my new journey in January.

More Oly

So I've been back and forth about starting some Outlaw training and seeing how that goes for me for strength gains. I've talked to a lot of people about it and gotten many opinions. One pitfall is the time it takes. With my schedule it's going to be hard, but I want to give it a shot. I'm hoping that Alex will stick with it as well so we can help each other out. The increase in volume is going to be hard to adjust, but they said it takes typically 3-4ish weeks. So we will see.

Barbell gymnastics:
1) 7x2 Snatch from High Boxes (above knee) - heavy but perfec - not maximal - rest 60 sec
85-85-85-95-95-105-105
2) 7x2 Clean from High Boxes (above knee) - heavy but perfec - not maximal - rest 60 sec
105-105-115-115-120-125-125

Snatch felt a little off today. A couple reps I just lost it at the bottom and fell backwards. Still need to work on engaging more at the bottom and making sure the position of the bar is correct.
Cleans felt pretty good. second rep at the first set of 125 was ugly. Took me forever to stand it up. But the last set felt like my best set.

Conditioning:
1a) 3x7 Seated DB Shoulder Press - heaviest possible, rest 30 sec
1b) 3x15 Reverse Hypers - heavy, rest 30 sec
1c) 3x20 BB Stepups 20" (front rack) - heavy, rest 30 sec
1d) 3x7 Weighted MU - rest 30 sec

1a) used 25# each arm, actually pretty tough especially after going through everything else.
1b) used the GHD so only bodyweight, might try bands next time
1c) used 55#, this was probably the worst part of it, surprisingly hard and tiring
1d) obviously don't have MU, so did 7 deadhang pull-ups with the blue band and 7 ring dips with the purple band. Definitely want it to be one of my goals to get rid of the band for ring dips.